Pinky's Court Artist Created This Image of Pinky's Bovine Adventure

The 682nd Eye of God

Illustration from the Diablo Inc. Apocrypha

Holofernes asleep in his tent seconds before Judith creeps in to cut his head off.

Here's a Piece of Pinky He Didn't Know Still Existed

Pinky is Terrified

Pinky has had a premonition that he will become a one-armed zoo keeper. The problem is he only has 4 days left at his zoo keeping gig. He will have to be VERY careful the next few days. Here's a little ditty he painted to deal with his fear.

Pinky Repeatedly Dreams He is the One-Armed Zoo Keeper

Why Pinky Can't Remember Anything

Sad Childhood (Again)

Pinky (right) with the only kid who came to his 1oth birthday party. Granny D had ordered 45 cupcakes decorated with icing bamboo leaves. Sol Rosenquist (left) ate 32. Pinky ate the rest and soiled his rented costume. Needless to say, Pinky doesn't do well with birthdays anymore.

Pinky Never Meant Harm

Pinky never told anyone about his tail. He should have been proud and open about it. But last week, Pinky went public and decided to donate it to the tapir at the zoo who caught her tail in the coke machine (zoo officials refuse to discuss the details of this bizarre tail incident).

Parakeets-n-Death (Letter Forwarded to Pinky from a Bereaved Miss Williams)

February 21, 2008

Dear Miss Williams,

We are saddened (as we are sure you are, too) at the tragic loss of our longtime mammal keeper Jaime Von Busselstieffer on Valentine’s Day. You probably want to know more specific details about her early death, but the lawyers here at the zoo, have ask us not to relay any information other than the fact that Jaime was a hapless victim of interspecies aggression involving parakeets and tapirs. We can, however, report that the tapir is recovering nicely and will soon have most of his fur back.

Jaime, unbeknownst to us, had no family and had been secretly living in the hay loft in the elephant house. She left the zoo every day with the other keepers, but apparently returned each night to the zoo. We found her complete 37 year subscription to National Geographic, her uniforms, and a jar of artichoke hearts in her makeshift hay cave. In the June 1972 issue of National Geographic, we discovered a handwritten last will and testament where she left this zoo jacket to you. While it is technically zoo property, we felt that (under the circumstances) the rules should be bent a bit. We would also like to invite you to a special candlelight memorial service tomorrow evening honoring Jaime and the 730 dead parakeets that the poor tapir bravely fought off until Jaime arrived to break up the disturbance. The remaining 6,920 parakeets are being sent to renowned animal trainer Wanda Pillars for retraining. We expect no similar incidents in the future and are rethinking the need to house over 7,000 parakeets at our facility.

Sincerely,
H.J. “Happy” Brown
Director
Falls City Zoo
Falls City, Iowa

Pinky's Not Expecting a Happy Valentine's Day

Pinky's Umbilical Cord

Excerpt from Pinky's Latest Short Story

excerpted from

Death Becomes Her

Seven Very Short Cautionary Tales to Bring Children Closer to the Buddha

Or

The Secret and Horrible Fears of Divorced, Spinstered, or Widowed Women of a Certain Entitled Stature Contemplating Death

Every action, every thought she now made led her down an evil rabbit hole of fear. She thought about the horror of putting on her peignoir—then, putting it on, it clung and burned her flesh like flaming napalm. She feared even lifting her padded house shoe. The first step toward the grapefruit half was on frozen shards of glass, the next step found her sinking in piles of red-hot ball bearings. The next was worse. She sliced the grapefruit with her eyes closed, knowing what it was becoming--a beating heart pumping her apartment full of tepid black blood. She closed her eyes and saw her father, resplendent with twisting horns embalming her mother alive. Eyes opened and writhing snakes and giant cockroaches with the saints’ faces rained down in her garden outside the breakfast nook window. She would hold her breath and try to keep the fear away for a fleeting moment. Then gasping for air, thousands of dry, cottony moths would fly down her throat. Eyes closed, she would try no to move, only to know without looking that there was a wave of fear cresting over her head, inches from her scalp ready to break as soon as she moved even a hair--a wave of liquid fear chock full of bloody teeth with their roots still pulsating--a wave with the sound of millions of feeble, aged hips snapping in unison--a wave of bloody lingerie filled with the pulpy remains every miscarriage ever suffered in Earth’s short tenure.
Now, children, use you imagination for a few minutes and think about what else could be in that soup of hideousness washing over Shermanora…Every disgusting, unfathomable fear found its way into this abominable recipe. What could any of us do against the unstoppable force of such terror? It is absolutely unimaginable. This hurricane of revulsion powered by the winds of Shermanora’s Fear washed away all time and place. Whether she actually died (which we can only assume she did) was irrelevant for her. She was swept away, pulled under, spit out, tied down, dismembered, and confronted with every unspeakable ghastly deed and apparition her Fear could possibly conjure up. We imagine a vast putrid ocean of gristle and slime with Shermanora, infinitesimally small, sometimes floating, sometimes pulled under into the dark, wet awfulness. Endlessly deep. Endlessly cruel. With ever increasing horrors spiraling up from the coagulated depths to nibble on Shermanora’s peignoir hem for eternity.

Ouch

Nadine's Avian Nemisis Nadine

Nadine's mother bought little Nadine a budgie. Then she refused to let Nadine have anything to do with it. She named it Nadine and made it little clothes. (Little human Nadine only had hand-me-downs.) After a few months, Nadine's mother only spoke to Parakeet Nadine and not to Daughter Nadine. When it died, she had a huge funeral and spent all of Nadine's college fund on it. Now, every time Nadine sees a bird, she wants to choke the bird shit out of it.

Order a Diablo Inc. Healing Balloon Today

Call the offshore feline call center and ask for your personal discount.

Nadine's Family Problems

Nadine never displayed any photo of her mother without defacing it in one manner or another.

It's Gonna be Mano a Mano, Hombre!

War is Hell

Pinky Dreamed that He was a One-Armed Zoo Keeper