February 26, 2008

58 Half Truths About You-Know-Who

Never comes home before 3 AM
Always sewed her own panties
Got her mouth washed out with soap
Kicked the mailman
Posed for nudie photos
Hates wearing dresses
Grew up to be a dope fiend
Is a chronic liar
Eats bugs
Is cross-eyed
Secretly despises Mamie Eisenhower
Contracted impetigo
Is ashamed of her her left thigh
Has a glass eye
Killed her grandmother
Often licks the floor
Lost both her feet to a shark attack
Is often covered in flies
Lost all her teeth by the age of 23
Painted her cat turquoise
Draws faces on her underwear
Frankly, doesn’t believe in Jesus
Keeps scabs in a jar
Wipes boogers on the bedpost
Fainted on a Milan fashion runway
Had internal parasites
Had two left feet
Cusses like a sailor
Never conquered her demons
Was a cutter
Has a small, fleshy tail
Has an olive fetish
Put a peanut way up her nose
Enjoys her epileptic fits
Rattles everyone’s nerves
Dreams of becoming a prostitute
Nibbles on cardboard
Farts in church
Put ketchup on dolls
Angered the gods
Harbored evil thoughts
Has nightmares about knives
Stabbed her own hand
Smokes French cigarettes
Carries a doily everywhere she goes
Puts lipstick on strangers' puppies
Is a whore for attention
Ties up kittens
Collects snail shells
Took candy from strangers
Masturbated to Dean Martin LP’s
Dyes the water in her toilet purple
Bad-mouths Santa
Cut her fingertip off slicing carrots
Pulled the legs off of spiders
Sniffs most everything